soso ( F C D )
at 2008-07-26
Ohh Cayce : what a poem?
bitter words are coming obviously from the bottom of your heart,,,no doubt ,,
in fact from the beginning till the end your anger and pain are very clear to the reader..
(~Can you, please, refill my prescription of lies?~)----I read this line may be four or five times,,I know this feeling we desperately deny the truth and crave for even a lie to calm the storms inside us,,,
(~pretending was so much sweeter to these taste buds, than choking down acid truth like the foul taste of medicine~),,amazing poetic statement,,that state can`t be described better than this...
(~Darling, you make me sick~),,this is a confession that I do respect,,,we have to say that to release few of the compressed rage,,,
[Candy coat your words before you thrust them down my throat.] this is the most captivating statement of the poem,,,unfortunately it is just a coat while the core is nothing...
I hope you have vent and now feeling well,,take care..
love: soso
BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-01
Can you, please, refill my prescription of lies?
`AAAAAAAAH I love that :) Prescription ... Nice use, Cayce, dear.
But pretending was so much sweeter to these taste buds, than choking down acid truth like the foul taste of medicine. You know, that kind the doctor always prescribed before you were lucky enough to swallow pills.
`Oh, my, GOD. I totally didn't expect you to build on the prescription thing, but you did and jees, that was freakin' amazing. The bitterness and anger of your words just fly off the page and it's like I can feel them being shoved down my throat. The vividness ... the adjectives were really effective. Lovely play on words, m'dear. It makes me think, though, that though you say "lucky" to have pills (I almost typed pillows LOL) -- you can also choke on pills, and I'm getting the vibe that you're hoping for some luck of your own that this person you're breezing at will choke.
threatening the come up.
`did you mean to come up? Though, when I read it, the come up sounds more final, like it iS going to come up--the question is, when.
Candy-coating your words before you thrust them down my throat.
`*squeals. AH! i ADORE THiS WiTH EVERYTHiNG i HAVE. OMG. My best friend would love this (the one that waved). It's so ... true. Wow.
Eyes stinging with acidic tears, burning holes in the floor.
`Okay, I've read acid tears stinging eyes, but burning holes in (I think it should be into instead, btw, but maybe I'm just being weird. your choice.) the floor is definitely something new. Very original, and the imagery is just ... stunning. Very dark.
And just maybe I'd do anything to have you pour those liquor filled lies down my throat again. Intoxicate the mind before taking advantage of the weak, and playing make-believe with my fragile heart.
`Ooh. I think I'm going to faint. You are getting so much better. The emotions just pour through this beautifully. It's almost mystifying. So much better than some pieces I've read from you before, because this whole thing is just metaphorical.
Your ending. AH! Absolutely brilliant. Quite frankly, I wouldn't change anything O___O
Lovely write, m'dear.
..__MiNDYY
[ Praised by : Cayce ]
Annaam ( C D )
at 2008-08-02
Well... this is indeed a great write... The emotions are strong and do seem to come directly from ur heart :) ...
However, I do think that the poem does need proper structuring... The way it is now does make it rather difficult and uninviting to read, no offence...
Still, I'm willing to give this piece 5/5 for the superb write it just still is =).
SelfishLover ( C )
at 2008-08-02
Wow. Its real neat. :)
Very descriptive.
"Can you, please, refill my prescription of lies?" I think It'd sound better with rewrite.
5/5
Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-03
This poem was so unique. I came into this poem before reading it thinking that it would be clique because usually most friendship poems can be very easily. Anyways, but come to find out.. this poem was so unique and I loved the way that you vented in this one. The way you expressed your emotions were so unique. The way you worded your feelings here were so amazing! Gah! I'm at lost for words. Simply a very great write. :] Great word-choice. Everything was nearly perfect. I wouldn't change a thing with this one. It fits okay as prose I thought.. it's venting.. that's probably the best format you could have used. :] Well done!! I'm going to add you to my favorites. You keep impressing me with your poetry. Keep it up. 5/5.
Michael D Nalley ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-04
Your flow was very good in my book, that is to say I found your free verse was smooth
even though I could feel the venting the imagery helped me to feel what you were feeling as you wrote this piece. I do not believe your disapointment altered your creativity
I like it
5/5
Sydney Shea ( D )
at 2008-08-05
Oh my God! That was amazing. I was able to imagine everything you were saying, and your analogies were quite clever.
From start to finish, I loved it. It's written unusually for me, but I do like the way you spaced your stanzas.
Great job!!!!
5/5
AblissfulDREAMER ( F C D )
at 2008-08-07
Wow. Oh boy that was just amazing! I could truly related with that deep feeling of betrayal and you mesmerized me with your descriptions. The sarcasm here was beautiful and words such as "Darling" and "Honey" just put the cherry on top of this wonderful masterpiece which truly blew me away.
"Can you, please, refill my prescription of lies?"
^WOW. I just loved how unique this sounded and how different it was. The meaning behind it was clear and you worded it nicely.
"Candy-coating your words before you thrust them down my throat."
^Oh my amazing! Each word it just fit perfectly making for an amazing line that stood out to me the most out of this poem. "Candy-coating" and "thurst" were great words to use here for describing your meaning because I could FEEL what you were expressing.
I loved every minute of this and wouldnt change a thing. You took something everyone has felt before, betrayal, and made it into a masterpiece.
Well done.
*5/5*
neo ( F P C )
at 2008-08-11
Great poem. I can ABSOLUTELY RELATE. I prefer a vent over a ryme anytime hehe 5/5
billy rob ( F P C D )
at 2008-10-20
"And just maybe I'd do anything to have you pour those liquor filled lies down my throat again. Intoxicate the mind before taking advantage of the weak, and playing make-believe with my fragile heart.
But all I can do is destroy myself, because what hurts the most is that I let you slip through my fists, like an hourglass that ran out of sand."
I don't think I have related to a write ever, as much as I do this one. I remember in one of my writes I wote of mirages, of seeing water and when filling ones mouth it turned to
sand...yet as you say above, sometimes we are grateful for even that.
This was excellent prose. I would not touch a single word. Very well done, indeed. Billy Rob
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