billy rob ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-10
"If I said in my heart
It is only you
How would you take it?
What would you do?
If I told you this feeling
They told me is love
What would you say?
What would you do?"
I have never told you this, but my biggest love in poems are questions. It is sooo hard for people to put them in a write and do it in a way that keeps the write flowing and beautiful. You have done this. You never cease to amaze me when you decide to really be serious and use your pen the right way. This was beautiful and touched me very deeply. This is my favorite. Well done, Bethany, Very well done, indeed. 5/5 Billy Rob
4 track demo ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-10
I really enjoyed this, but i found it a little hard to read, myabe if you separated into a couple o' stanzas it would of been easier for me, but...YOU are the writer, and i'm sure you wrote it as written, and that's the way it should be, (just a suggestion on my part), other than that, a very passionate piece, and a very heartfelt read..
great job..
john
BREE aw NUHH ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-10
This was good. It came from the heart, and I liked that. If I understood this correctly, it's about a girl who loves her friend, as more than a friend. I agree that it would be easier to read had it been separated into stanzas, but it doesn't take away from the piece that it isn't, so. I quite enjoyed the poem. 5/5
-Briana
BangAndWeAllDied ( F C D )
at 2008-07-10
Like billy rob, I must admit that I love questions in poems, it gives away more than you think. Anywayy.. nice job. 5/5 from me hunn..
Finalgravedigger ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-10
Love and rejection is such an interesting thing in life. I worry of it to. Nice poem
denise
at 2008-07-13
I really enjoyed your poem. it is hard to put yourself and your heart out there. keep it up.
Cayce ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-13
Well, I don't really like these types of poems, but since you asked, I'll try to comment it with an open mind. :]
If I told you I cared
I cared as more then a friend
If I told you I cared
Would this all end
`` Well, since I'm kind of a freak about having the right punctuation and stuff, I'll help you out there. x] "then" should be "than", and after end there should be a question mark. Umm, just because a poem sounds better without so many "I, you, my's" I think you should take out the I in the second line. Other than that, I can tell this is going to be a poem the a lot of people can relate to, and the flow is pretty smoothe, the rhyming didn't seem forced here. So I think it's a pretty good start, and a lot of people will like it. :]
If I told you I think
I think I like you
`` Okay, I wasn't sure about these two lines, just because it doesn't stick with the style you stared out with, but I like it now. It almost reminds me of someone stuttering because they're nervous about telling someone something, which works amazingly here.
What would you do?
If I told you I cryed
All last night to the thoughts
That this may never be
`` You should move the question mark to the end on the last line, and "cryed" should be "cried". :] Also, you didn't continue the rhyming here. It didn't really bother me though, and usually it does. Maybe it's because it has a good rhythm.
But we are so far away
I want to be close
Closer then this
`` Three lines now? o.O This format is all over the place, but I think it might represent the chaos that's going on inside your mind. You're so nervous about telling this person that you like him. Or maybe I'm just thinking about this too deeply. >.> I do that a lot.
If I said in my heart
It is only you
How would you take it?
What would you do?
`` I do like the questions, because it leaves the reader wondering what would he do.. Even though this is a pretty common topic, I haven't gotten bored with it yet.
If I told you this feeling
They told me is love
What would you say?
What would you do?
`` Wow, love? I thought it was just like.. This guy must be pretty special. I think that maybe you're over-doing it with the questions just a bit, though. I like them, but not in almost every stanza.
I write this here because
I'm afraid you wont like me back
Like I like you
`` Like again? Which is it, love or like? There's a big difference between the two. Maybe you could re-phrase this something like "Writing this here, because I'm afraid you won't return my feelings." You don't have to do it like that [Mine was pretty bad anyways XD] but maybe something with less I's and you's?
How do you feel
As I pour out my heart
Every wish a knife in my heart?
What would you say?
What would you do?
`` Oooh, I really like the third line. It added just a touch of originality. :]
If I told you this from my heart
`` This summed up the whole poem nicely. I like how you put it by itself, because it makes more of an impact. You made sure whoever was reading this knew that everything you said was from your heart.
If this is a true poem, I think you should give it to that person you like. I'm sure they'd love it, and who knows? They might just like you back. x]
Good job!
Keep writing!
Cayce
[ Praised by : BREEawNUHH ]
Olivia
at 2008-07-14
I really like this
MariaJose2012
at 2008-07-15
Thiss poem is extremlyy good! i lovedd it
bRoKen mIrrOr fAllen PeTals ( F C D )
at 2008-07-16
Wow...
great and really nice..
I like this!!!
5/5...
great!!!!
Calantha
at 2008-07-23
Girl U IS EXCELLENTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CourtneyyContageous ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-06
There's a few things wrong off right from the start.I don't think there should be more than one 'I cared' in the first stanza. I think it just repeats itself, and sounds a little, unconvincing.As well as the two 'I think's in the next two lines. 'Cryed' should be cried.Agian you lines in stanzas should br more consistent. But it was still a joy to read.
4/5
Fallen Poet ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-30
Now thast is one of your best i think!!!
great one !!!
pour out your heart !!?? wow string expression i i likyyy:)
great
one
Midnight Sun ( F P C D )
at 2009-01-15
Comment #4:
I like this one for two reasons...
1-It's something almost everyone can relate to.
2- You took something so complicated, and a feeling so deep and simplified it to innocence and vulnerability. It's truly a beautiful piece.
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